The Woman, The Spokesmodel, The Legend

Kiki Stockhammer was the mysterious spokesmodel for the infamous NewTek Video Toaster back in the heyday of the Amiga. Many came to know her from her appearance in magazine ads touting the impressive technology. These ads helpfully mentioned her name as if she was a person of note, and not just a pretty face hired to stand next to a zorro card. And so she became the first Amiga sex symbol that wasn't animated or furry. (Or at least not animated or furry in the usual ways.)

To this day however, Kiki and her handlers insist she was more than just a pretty face. She was reportedly a key member of the management team at NewTek. According to her manager/boyfriend, she also ran tech support and was heavily involved in marketing. Her role in corporate double talk would probably translate to "helping craft the company's messaging and building the corporate brand".  Although it hasn't been confirmed, she probably "thought outside of the box" and "created new paradigms" also...

Although Kiki's 15 minutes of fame were ultimately due to the Video Toaster made possible by the advanced hardware of the Amiga, she wasn't above putting her foot in her rather generously sized mouth while simultaneously biting the hand that fed her. This quote created quite a stir after her exit from Newtek:

"NewTek should have dropped the Amiga like old luggage years ago." - Kiki Stockhammer (1995 Fall COMDEX)

After leaving Newtek, Kiki had a brief fling with failed company Play Inc, which led to this second quote:

"Well, all the brains at Newtek just felt that it was a complete waste of time to stay with such a dead platform like the Amiga. That is why we left the company and started Play Inc." - Kiki Stockhammer (1995 Fall COMDEX)

Where is she now? These days, Kiki focuses all of her tech support, marketing, and business skills on being a dancer and background singer for a Star Trek themed rock group.

This page is dedicated to her.

This picture of Kiki at a tech convention in 1993 did much to fuel her legend among lonely Amiga users. Rumor has it the liquid she's drinking is 100% pure gasoline.

Here is one of the magazine ads that made Kiki famous. Rumor has it the transition effects the Video Toaster uses featuring the silhouette of a nude woman are actually her. Tech support, my ass...

Kiki eventually moved away from the Amiga scene and made the next logical career step - singing in a Star Trek themed band.

When we fall, we fall hard. No this isn't a random prostitute with back problems, this is Kiki showing off her ass after a Warp 11 show.

Just to prove the above is really her, here she is at that same show, partying with a lucky fan. Kiki is still very big in the lesbian community.

The Kiki Stockhammer Interview

We decided it'd be interesting to interview Kiki for the website, to catch up on what she's doing and give her a chance to speak out in her own words. It seemed promising at first, and our Minister of Information (Maxicon) exchanged a number of emails with her manager/boyfriend.

Alas, we submitted the questions which follow but never received a response. Perhaps she was offended by our tribute to her... perhaps she's functionally illiterate and couldn't read the questions...  perhaps she's allergic to cheese and had swollen up like a blimp after coming in contact with a Christmas cheddar log... bottom line: no response was forthcoming.

So what were we to do?

With the greater public interest in mind, we decided to answer the questions for her. What follows are what her answers very well might have been had she taken the time to actually respond to our questions.

25 Questions with Kiki Stockhammer

1.Who annoys you more: Warp 11 groupies, or Amiga groupies?
As you might be able to tell, I shamelessly crave attention, and I'm not picky about where it comes from.

2.How did you end up in Warp 11?
Well, after I lost all of my money on Play Inc., I thought, "Hey, I'm a diva to geeks and losers already, why not beat that horse some more."

3.Are you really a Trekky, or are you just playing a part? (You know, Trekkies are considered bigger losers than Amigans.)
Trekky's aren't bad compared to Furry fans. That Furry shit really makes my skin crawl, and that's not easy to do. I suppose the only thing that could be worse is if you combined all three.

4.How'd you first get involved with Newtek back in the day?
I used to hang around a lot of college dorms and frat houses. When some of the guys finished school, they remembered me. I was called Kiki "Cock"Hammer back then.

5.Was there ever a rivalry between yourself and Laura Longfellow at Newtek?
No, but that frigid bitch can rot in hell and she can take her precious muffins with her.

6.Do you keep in touch with anyone at Newtek these days?
I call there daily, but they won't return my calls. I used to hang out in the parking lot too until the restraining order.

7.Are you the model in the video toaster transition effect which shows a nude woman's silhouette?
I don't remember. It's possible... I was nude a lot back then.

8.Suppose Playboy did a tech themed issue and asked you to pose nude... would you do it?
I would kill for that. No, seriously.. who do I have to kill to make that happen?

9.Does it bother you to be viewed as a sex symbol?
My mother always taught me: "Don't be poor, be a whore!"

10.Are you still involved with the tech industry in any way?
I operate a cash register at CompUSA, part-time.

11.Name the 3 highest points and the 3 lowest points in your career to date.
high points: getting hired at Newtek, starting Play Inc, joining Warp 11
low points: sleeping with everyone at NewTek, not sleeping with everyone at Play Inc, running around a bar after a Warp 11 gig looking for dregs of beer in abandoned drinks and smoking a cigarette butt I found in the toilet.

12.What do you think will be the next "big thing" in desktop video?
My ass.

13.How much of your own personal capital did you invest in Play Inc?
All of it. I even sold my stock in Google.

14.What kind of personal computer do you use today?
I stole one of the toaster machines from Newtek when I left, but I haven't been able to get Windows to install. I was never into computers anyway...

15.Time for some Word Association... we mention a name, and you give us your thoughts.

Amiga = One of our vendors at Newtek. Not sure what they provided.. maybe cleaning supplies.
Newtek = call me? Please?
Star Trek = I'd like to do the whole cast.. especially Uhura.
Howard Stern = I'd like to do the whole crew.. especially Robin.
Bill McEwen = who? (I'd probably do him)
Red Hair = not all it's cracked up to be... people can usually tell it's your pubic hair in the muffins.
Play Inc. = I lost my shirt, and not literally this time.

16.The Last of Kiki Stockhammer:

Last Book you read = Madonna's sex book
Last CD you purchased = Lords of Acid
Last movie you saw = White Chicks Getting Black Balled 6
Last time you got drunk = I'm drunk right now. Colt 45!
Last software you purchased = Horsin Around... that Gaz Murfin is a fucking genius.

17.Do you have children? If not, are you planning to anytime soon?
I'm... uh... unable to have them...

18.On usenet there is a message circulating which has an attachment called "RareKiki.jpg" which is described as: "Kiki Stockhammer and Steve Hartford like you never wanted to see them." Is this a hoax, or did some nasty pictures of you guys really make it out?
That's actually me with Motley Crue. I was young and needed the money.

19.Are those your breasts on the Warp 11 "Red Alert" album?
Those are actually my ass cheeks.

20.Are you jealous of 6 of 9's enormous breasts?
Some nutcase named "ZoRaK" keeps emailing me that same question over and over. He also asks if I want a balloon. The answer to both is no.

21.Are you winning or losing the battle against cellulite now that you're in or near middle age?
Some battles can't be won. You could say I'm waving the chunky white flag on that one.

22.Do you sunburn badly?
I only go out at night. You could say I'm a lady of the night.

23.Do you have any middle names?
My middle name is actually the entire Oscar Meyer theme song. My parents were bastards.

24.What are 3 things the world doesn't know about Kiki Stockhammer?
I eat peanut butter out of the jar, I like classical music, and I used to be a man.

25.What's next for Kiki Stockhammer?
I don't know.. do geeks like porn?